A NEW THEORY OF EVOLUTION

THE CONTRARIAN

WILLY BRANT’S DIARY

I just came home from downtown, and I was thinking, you know, styles are changing, the girls aren’t really using up a lot of fabric to make a wardrobe nowadays. Thinking back to my navy days, the only time the girls had that much on display was in hangouts I wouldn’t tell my wife about.  Us men are programmed to notice the female form, and with all the girls downtown, I was having a terrible time today, trying to stop my eyes from going where my mother wouldn’t approve.

Of course old men ogling the girls are like a dog chasing a car; he wouldn’t know what to do with it if he actually caught one. Then I was thinking, what makes girls look so good is that layer of fat under the skin, even skinny girls have it, and it smooth’s out the rough spots.  Not much difference between male and female skeletons, but on the outside, men are all angles and bumps, while women are all curves.  Then it popped into my mind that the female shape is very streamlined, I bet it is much better adapted for swimming, maybe the women did all the swimming for a long stage in our evolution from monkeys to people, and the men stayed on land.

Too hot out to do any farm work, so I stopped at Joe’s house on the way home to tell him about this latest theory of mine. He looked surprised, then thoughtful, and then said “Maybe you are onto something there.  Whether you believe in Darwin’s theory of a sort of accidental evolution, or a divine guidance evolution, or even space aliens tinkering with an apes DNA, it seems we are descended from some kind of monkey or ape.  But did you ever notice that they all have hands and feet much smaller than ours, and better adapted to life in the wild? –“  I interrupt with “except bigfoot.”  He ignores that, and goes on “When you think about it, our great big shovel-shaped hands and feet kind of remind you of whales’ flippers, they are pretty effective for swimming; maybe we were water animals at some stage.  Maybe your fat theory fits in with my flipper theory!”

“OK, let’s follow that line of thinking”, I exclaim, “Supposing our body hair has a purpose, to break up the turbulence where the water doesn’t flow smoothly over our swimming body. So men need a lot more body hair, because their rougher bodies create more turbulence!  And maybe we were wading animals, lived a few zillion generations in shallow water, the men are tall enough to stand there, but the women have to swim, that’s why they are made better for swimming!”

Joe says “’Break up the turbulence’? Your navy training is showing.  Anyway, while we are rewriting the Theory of Evolution, notice that our human form has a defect, which is our back is not quite right for running around and carrying heavy loads.  Do you know anybody who has not had a sore back?  But maybe our back is perfectly adapted for a life standing around in water up to our necks.  After all, if you believe in divine guidance, we have to be perfect.  It all fits; we are a couple of geniuses”.

Well, maybe not quite.

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